Mothers, Measuring, Mercy

Mother. What a complicated word.

There’s the mother who birthed us and the mother(s) who raised us—they may not be the same woman. There’s the mother that some of us are and the mother that some of us wanted to be, maybe still long to be. There’s the mother somebody else had that we wish had been ours. There’s the mother no longer on the earth and the mother we no longer speak to even if she is on the earth. Some of us are mothers that our children left behind. Some of us live with and support these mothers and the children they birthed. Some of us walked away. All these mothers deserve some gratitude and all of them are subject to measurement. Were they (we) good enough? Can we forgive them (ourselves) for not measuring up?

Mothering is hard. It’s an instinct and a skill set and a choice. It’s greatly tempered by the upbringing we had and whether skillful mothering was modeled or missing. Some mothers were traumatized at an early age and, if we got one of those mothers, even if she did her best, we likely got traumatized too.

Measuring

I think the habit of measuring our mothers is toxic. A mother steps in, never fully ready or knowing what to do. Each child’s needs are unique and there’s no reliable instruction book, just lots of conflicting advice. The truth is every mother does her best. For some, that’s a low bar, but it’s still the best she could do. If we were able to walk in her shoes and understand the forces that shaped her, we’d see her differently. I believe it’s important to recognize the trauma we may have experienced because of our mothers but then we need to forgive her and take responsibility as adults, or we’ll never be free. And a big dose of gratitude makes everything better.

As we dish out measurements, we are subject to them.

Mercy

In order to find mercy, it’s helpful to take these steps. People who forgive without doing these steps, risk having surface forgiveness, not the deep mercy that changes lives. To really forgive you need to acknowledge what needs to be forgiven.

• First, recognize the gaps. What did you need that she couldn’t provide? Acknowledge the hurt and love the child self that suffered.

• Next, examine your own behavior. Are you duplicating that trauma by treating yourself the same way?

• Third, find a way to provide yourself with the missing ingredient. If your mother was too lax, start learning self-discipline. If your mom was critical, look for your good qualities and appreciate yourself at every turn. If your mother was mean, become an epicenter of kindness.

It isn’t easy to compensate for what you weren’t freely given but you can do it. You will probably need help—a coach, a therapist, good friends, a spiritual practice. In my experience, the very best way to infuse what’s missing is a spiritual solution.

Open to the Divine Mother Energy

Mother is not just a role; it’s an aspect of the sacred feminine. It’s the creative life force, loving and nurturing, everywhere present. When I say present, I don’t mean you or your mother or anyone else in your life is exhibiting love, nurturing, or creative expression right now. They may not be acting even a little bit loving.

I’m talking about a bigger presence. Somewhat like the Internet, this force is available—but only if you get online. It’s there for all regardless of broadband access. It’s a spiritual power responsible for all creation with no expiration date.

If you can tap into the energy of Mother on a spiritual level, you will never walk alone. This power will help you to grow, provide nourishment and guidance, and always love you. If you integrate this energy, you will become a creative force, wise, nurturing, loving and magnetic. The house of your being will be the one with all the cookies where all the kids want to hang out.

Here’s an example from my upcoming book, Deep Medicine, where a client has a spiritual experience of meeting her own version of the Mother. Inside the sacred container of hypnotherapy, she was able to imagine the Mother and allow her presence to change her. This segment is told in her own words.

   On this first session, as I walk through my dream world, what I see is clear, but a bit fogged at the same time. It’s like looking through an old window that needs a good cleaning but will never be clear again. The colors are brightly muted. I don’t really hear any sounds but it’s peaceful and safe. I am standing at what looks like the Temple of Asclepius. This temple is in Rome, Italy. It is a beautiful, old world, small building made from quartz crystal–—this is my vision.
   
   I enter the front door, which is a heavy wood carved door. The carving is a continuous pattern of swirls. It feels so smooth when I touch the stained wood as I slowly walk into my healing dream.
   An exotic-looking woman welcomes me. She is older than I am—in her fifties. I am in my thirties. She also looks familiar to me. I am surprised to realize she looks like me. Because I was adopted, I’m not used to seeing familial similarities. We both have long dark hair, and we are both wearing long, floor- length cotton dresses and have bare feet. She is walking toward me. 
   I feel like she wants to embrace me, hold me, and protect me. This is exactly what I want, to my surprise, and I relax in her loving embrace. This feels like motherly love, something pure and true. I feel supported, and I don’t question anything about myself when I am in her arms.

   I was always questioning myself back then. I never felt completely confident in my body. However, in that very moment, in my subconscious, I felt a power of love, trust and freedom. I left that session on cloud nine. I was amazed at how easy it was to tap into what my body, mind and soul needed.

If you were going to imagine the divine Mother in a form that could embrace you, what would you picture? What would you feel if you imagined allowing yourself to be embraced? Go ahead and try it out.

The Creative Force

Because the Divine Mother energy is the creative life force, we can all embody that without having our own children. We can create art or music, tend a garden, write a book, or design a home. We are all creators.

Here is a story about the creative process. Eight years ago, I wrote a little book called Love Letters From the Mother. The book’s creation was very different for me. At the time, I was teaching a program called Absolute Abundance, designed by Rev. Ken Daigle from Unity of San Francisco. One lesson involved identifying something we really wanted to do and listing the reasons we weren’t doing it.

I wanted to write another book, but I didn’t have time. My first book was 332 pages and took two years to write, working every single Friday from 8-3 while my kids were in school. I was a full-time minister now and did not have that time available. The program was devious. After making that list of excuses, we were told to transform them into creative constraints. Lack of time became mine. Now I was only allowed to write for ten minutes a day. This totally changed the nature of the book. Where the first book had long, thoughtful chapters with lots of stories, this 73-page book is filled with one-page letters. Love letters. I feel like I was channeling the loving energy of the Mother. Here’s the first letter I wrote. Please take these words in. They are for you.

Gentle Souls, this message is for you. 
   I want you to know how much I love you. I am the Mother. I am your Mother. I am the substance from which you emerge, the love that designed and enfolds you.
   You have a mother in this life from whom your body emerged. You have had mothers through the years who have nurtured and guided you. Some of the mothers who raised you have done so beautifully. Some, who desperately needed a mother themselves or who limped through life with other mortal wounds, were unable to show you the love you needed and deserved.
   Your souls had their own mysterious reasons for choosing such mothers. As little children, you may have assumed this lack was your fault. It never was. If you have not already realized that, I hope this book may help you set aside any belief that some deficiency in you limits your worthiness.
   This is my love letter to you. You are the child of my heart, the form of my substance, my gift to the world. I love you beyond all time and reason. Turn to me when you need a mother to remind you how perfect you are, when you need a mother to enfold you and comfort you, when you need a mother to celebrate and encourage you. I am always here for you. I am as close as thought. I am breathing you, loving you, guiding you always.
                                  Your devoted champion,
                                  The Mother

Here’s one more letter. I want to treat you because I so appreciate you being subscribers.

   In the end, there is only one thing for you to remember. You are mine and I love you just as you are. 
   As long as you are breathing, you are still becoming. When I think of you, rainbows of delight arch across the sky of my heart. I am filled with patient curiosity for how you will show up next. You fascinate me and I am constantly singing your tune. 
   I love you forever and always. Take my hand. Let’s take a turn around the universe together. I have all the time in the world for you. And infinity after that.
                                  Forever yours,
                                  The Mother




If you like these and want more, Love Letters from the Mother by Jane Hiatt is still available on Amazon.

Hail Mary Revisited

Here is one extra resource for you. A friend just shared this beautiful revision of the traditional “Hail, Mary” prayer that Catholics use. She couldn’t find an author. I find it a powerful prayer for connecting to the Mother.

Hail Divine Spirit of the Sacred Feminine, fullness of love, compassion and mercy graciously given.
Blessed are You, our Holy Mother.
Blessed are all, who are wrapped in your mantle.
And blessed be the fruits of our One Shared Womb bearing forth and birthing Your mysteries from Within.
Mothering Essence and Presence of God, pray with us, for us, and from within us,
that Your living Spirit may release its fragrance from within our souls, unfolding, evolving, emerging and converging with all that we encounter in life and death. 
Amen

I particularly love the idea of one shared womb. I’d love to hear in the comments how these ideas and resources land with you

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